We Love the Iraqi Information Minister

Daily Update Archives

25 May -- Disappointing reaction from US middlebrows on the campaign for the safe re-appearance of M.S.S. ...Despite page two coverage of this site in the Week in Review section of the Sunday New York Times, Gray Lady readers inexplicably pass up opportunity to honor M.S.S. by purchasing lovely commemorative goods available only through this medium.

22 May -- Lack of any news on M.S.S. creates a wave of nostalgia amongst his suffering fans. One misty-eyed loyal reader asks if we remember "...how his shirt was always perfectly pressed?" Sniff. Yes, yes we do.

20 May -- Still no official announcement from the White House that M.S.S. will replace Ari Fleischer. Negotiations appear to be slowed by M.S.S.'s insistence that "Washington is still burning from the rain of brave Iraqi rockets that shattered its walls... why would I want to move there?". Also appears concerned about "lack of hotty Egyptian chicks..." in DC.

19 May -- Breaking News! White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announces he is leaving his job... And who else could be waiting in the wings but M.S.S.?!? The long wait for suffering M.S.S. fans may finally be over. "There are no deficits. Never! I will hit Helen Thomas with my shoe!" We get short of breath just thinking about it...

16 May -- More lamentable news on the greed-driven exploitation of M.S.S. ... Fast food upstart Taco Bueno runs radio campaign with "M.S.S." claiming "there are no steak fajitas."... Anxious-about-recent-ratings World Wrestling Entertainment offers M.S.S. job promoting "hot new stars such as Scotty Too Hotty."

15 May -- Absence of any news about M.S.S. prompts worldwide outcry... White House spokesman Ari Fleischer heatedly denies cover-up charge, insinuates that memory of M.S.S. is kept alive for crass commercial purposes.

14 May -- Fly Life column in today's Village Voice extols hyper-hip status of M.S.S. Voice scribe Tricia Romano describes M.S.S. as "huge cult figure" who "spawned our favorite new Website," thereby vindicating journalist bribery campaign undertaken by this site in a crass effort to bolster sales of fabulous M.S.S. product line.

13 May -- Rumors swirl that new American administrator for Iraq, L. Paul Brenner III, has retained M.S.S. to manage new "Iraq Rocks" public relations campaign. Telltale spike in orders from Bremer's office for attractive M.S.S. Giftware... Usually reputable Christian Science Monitor shocks competitors by running story on M.S.S. and this website.

12 May -- Another report of the vulgar commercialization of M.S.S.... Highbrow Brit daily The Sun says that songwriter Alton Bryan has composed a dance track that samples M.S.S. pronouncements. Track title: "I Can't Believe What I'm Hearing".

11 May -- Possible M.S.S. sighting in Kiev. According to reports, Ukraine Ministry of Defense, owner of cargo plane in Congo whose rear doors opened at 33,000 feet, killing 129, "denied that anyone was hurt in the mishap and said no cargo was lost."

10 May -- London Telegraph report quotes reliable source that M.S.S. Is
heading toward Cairo: "He now wants to get to Egypt. He has a lot of money stashed there in a bank and loves those Egyptian women very, very much."

9 May -- Where is the outrage?! Global media stonewall popular demands for news of M.S.S. ... Coalition of watchdog groups charges "massive conspiracy coverup," calls for "swift investigation" by an authority to be named later.

8 May -- Striking absence of new information on the whereabouts of M.S.S., recently furloughed Iraqi Information Minister... Earlier reports say that M.S.S. is negotiating his surrender (28 April) from his aunt's house in Baghdad (29 April), but that US troops are reluctant to make an arrest (30 April). And since then? Media's lack of enterprise, not to mention historical myopia, prompts worldwide protests.

7 May -- London Sunday Telegraph reporter Inigo Gilmore files story detailing "last official moments" of M.S.S. ... Even after the famous toppling of the statue on 9 April, eyewitnesses report, M.S.S. "refused to accept that Saddam's era was over" and "haunted the radio station in Baghdad, urging engineers to carry on"... M.S.S. finally fled early on 10 April, hours before US troops arrived at the studio.

6 May -- AFP reports that a comic film has been made about the dauntless M.S.S. The 12-minute Arabic short, entitled "I Am Not Sahaf," tells the story of a humble Egyptian so inspired and obsessed by M.S.S. that he comes to believe that he is, in fact, the minister himself. The film will be broadcast on TV this summer. Madonna video with M.S.S. -- "Express Yourself 2" -- still under tight wraps.

5 May -- President Vicente Fox stoutly denies reports that mass celebrations sweeping Mexico are "in any way" related to rumors that M.S.S. is seeking asylum in Guadalajara. "This is merely our Cinco de Mayo holiday," said Fox, in an assertion now being investigated by the FBI.

4 May -- Clips of M.S.S. have been spliced into dance tracks at UK night spots. Record producer Les Molloy promises media that "We're sure it will go down a storm in the clubs."

3 May -- Yawn -- this site receives media mentions on MSNBC, CNN, Fox, BBC, Al Jazeera(!), Today show, Time mag, USA Today, thousands more -- yawn. Site reaches pinnacle when broadcast legend Jim Vance of WRC-TV (Washington, DC) salutes this site on-air!

2 May -- A loyal reader reports that WeLoveTheIraqiInformationMinister.com receives ultimate Internet compliment as creative web leeches register every conceivable misspelling of this site url to send poor typists to assortment of porn sites. Reader suggests we beat interlopers with "shoes and modems."

1 May -- US Defense Secretary Rumsfeld tours Baghdad. Pentagon stiffly denies rumors that Rumsfeld met with Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.) to offer safe passage to Las Vegas under the Borscht Belt Proviso of the Geneva Convention.

30 April -- BBC confirms reports that M.S.S. is alive in Baghdad, fears for his safety, and "seeks surrender" to US forces. G.I.s refuse to make arrest, reportedly because M.S.S. does not appear among the 55 faces on the "Most Wanted" deck of playing cards.... We offer soldiers free "I Helped Rescue the Iraqi Information Minister and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt." (click to buy your own)

29 April - ABC News Australia quotes Iraqi Kurdish official to say that M.S.S. is hiding at his aunt's house in Baghdad and negotiating his arrest.... al-Arabiya satellite channel has offered M.S.S. a new job as a commentator and analyst. "We want to benefit from the experience of Mr Sahaf and his analysis of the current situation and the future of Iraq." Rupert Murdoch makes quick counter-offer.

28 April - Albawaba Middle East News reports that M.S.S. is now "negotiating" his surrender through the the Iraqi National Congress... Requests include "sexy new beret".

27 April - Sunday. Nothing happens. We're going back to bed.

26 April - Widely reported that M.S.S. tried to arrange his surrender with two Portuguese journalists last week, but then failed to show up. The journalists had heard that he was hiding "in a slum area of the capital, at a former civil servant." The host told them that, "the Minister wants to surrender to the Americans, but does not know how to make it." We suggest: "Don't shoot, I surrender" as opposed to "God will roast your stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis." Just a thought.

25 April - NYT headline: "Iraqi Spokesman Gives Himself Up to U.S. Forces"!! Hopes of millions are dashed when it turns out to refer to Tariq Aziz, not M.S.S. Damn... In an interview with NBC News, George W. Bush discloses his own love for M.S.S. - "He's my man. He was great. ... He was a classic." Karl Rove promptly orders 5,000 of our T-shirts.

24 April - Still no confirmed sighting of M.S.S., but his next career has already begun: BBC reports that Irish airline Ryanair has a new ad starring M.S.S., angering rival airline Easyjet. Easyjet spokeman calls ad "insensitive".

23 April - New rumor indicates that M.S.S. may be hiding with daughter-in-law in Iraq... Stunned TV execs love the idea, a new sitcom is born.

22 April - The Arab News reports that during the war M.S.S. "stormed into the Al-Jazeera TV offices in Baghdad. He carried a Kalashnikov and threatened to kill the station's employees, cut off their arms and throw their corpses into the desert if they reported that the American forces were approaching Baghdad."

21 April - No M.S.S. An anxious world holds collective breath... France refuses to support breath holding but would still like to be involved "once everyone exhales"

20 April - M.S.S. is sighted! Oh wait, no... no, that's not him. Never mind.

19 April - A company introduces talking M.S.S. doll... GI Joe resigns commission in protest

18 April -- Times of London reports that "coalition military chiefs" are investigating rumors of M.S.S. suicide, but skeptically. "We are still looking for him."... Media coverage of this site -- live appearances yesterday on Sky News, Fox News, CNN -- prompt worldwide calls for strict new code of journalistic ethics.

17 April -- Pentagon HR Department quietly shifts M.S.S. administrative leave status from "PTO" to "unpaid."

16 April -- Iranian newspaper Mardom Salari reports rumors of MSS suicide, but no substantiation. White House believes MSS and other Iraqi bigs now in Syria... Visits to this site average 500,000 per day...

15 April - Daily Telegraph reports that M.S.S. has a son who practices medicine in Ireland. "My father is a good guy," reports Dr. al-Sahaf. "When he comes home from work and takes off his uniform we do not discuss his job."...

14 April - The fever grows. Major media outlets promise lucrative personal-appearance contracts, talk show bookings, etc. Representatives of William Morris Agency sighted at Iraqi/Syrian border...

13 April - M.S.S. not included in "Death Pack" playing cards distributed to coalition forces. International uproar. NBC News: M.S.S. "curiously absent."

12 April - Sahafomania grips globe. Amateurish website dedicated to M.S.S. crashes four separate servers. Visitor rates reach 4000 per second. Website inexplicably featured in daily papers, Reuters, AP, CNN, BBC and assorted lame talk shows.

10 April - M.S.S. begins 'administrative leave'. Wannabe MSSers try to steal limelight from the One and Only. Closest competitor may be Mohsen Khalil, Iraqi Ambassador to the Arab League:
"Iraq will not be defeated. Iraq has now already achieved victory - apart from some technicalities."

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